2
For me growing up as a child was tough. I mean it was okay till I reached 3rd – 4th grade…but after that my family started falling apart. Dad lost his job…I guess being an employee at a mill that went bankrupt wasn’t really the high point of his life. My Mom once told me that he tried really hard to get back on his feet and seek employment…but I guess back then Nagpur wasn’t that developed and that really limited his employment opportunities.
My Mom worked as a social worker with Help Age India…after obtaining a degree in humanities I guess she was really shaken by the plight of the geriatric population…and that made her put her soul before her stomach. Her job didn’t pay much and after pursuing social services for more than 10 years…it was really tough for her to move on to something new.
With my Dad unemployed and my Mom having an underpaid job…the family’s financial condition wasn’t really good. All this led to a lot of tension…and soon Mom & Dad started fighting.
It all started with mere arguments at the dining table when dad complained about the progressive deterioration in the quality of food. These arguments soon progressed to mom lashing out at dad as to how he could only complain and couldn’t earn a decent living. And from then on both of them would just give me one look and I would understand that it was my signal to go to my room.
On numerous occasions I would find myself leaning against the locked door of my room trying hard to decipher the words of their quarrel. They would fight for hours and hours together and although I couldn’t understand a word of what they were saying…I would wait there patiently for them to stop…I always felt like I would cry but my mom had always told me that not all bad things last forever…and so I believed. I believed that this would end…I wanted to be strong in these tough times. I would say a soft prayer asking god to bring back happiness in our lives as I fell asleep leaning against that door…the quarreling never stopped.
Well there is another day that I distinctly remember. It was December and I had just got back from school. I entered Mom and Dad’s room to tell Dad that I was back. I saw mom sitting on the bed. The room was in a mess…the mirror of the dressing table was shattered…a broken vase lay next to it…Dad’s was cupboard empty.
‘Mom…what happened?’ I said. ‘Where is Dad?’
Mom turned towards me her face was red and eyes were watery…I knew she had been crying. ‘Hi beta…come…I’ll fix you some lunch.’ She said.
‘Mom…where is dad?’ I asked again…I had seen such things in a few movies and believe me I did not like the sight of this.
‘Come here beta.’ She said, pulled me closer and hugged me. In her embrace I could feel the warmth which made me feel like everything was going to be alright…but after a while I felt a drop of her tear fall on my school shirt…she started sobbing and that made me think that perhaps I was wrong. ‘Your Dad has left us.’ She said and brought my thoughts to an unimaginable stop. After those words everything felt as if it was in turmoil. On one side was my ever so optimistic heart which told me that all bad things end some day and on the other side were my mother’s words which by themselves yelled – welcome to hell.
‘Has he gone for a vacation…no I am sure he has gone to get a job…he will come back right…it’s Christmas in a week…I am sure he’ll come home for Christmas…he will right.’ I fought the emotion of losing my father with all that I had and hoped that this was just some horrid joke they were playing on me and dad would jump out from under the bed anytime.
I looked at my mother with a million questions in my eyes and she answered them all in just one sentence. ‘We are getting a divorce…he is never coming back’ She said and with that all my hopes shattered into bits and pieces. As the emotions got the better of me I ran back to my room and curled up into a ball on my bed and cried and cried and cried. My mom knocked on the door of my room many a times but I did not feel like talking to her or anyone else…what followed was the worst Christmas ever.
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I got up the sound of birds chirping…the day had arrived…it was Christmas. I made my way to the living room. There was a note kept on the coffee table. I picked up the note…it read
‘Gone out. Will be back before lunch – Mom.’
I kept the note aside and went out in the verandah where our Christmas tree was kept. Every year we used to keep all our gifts at the foot of the tree. This year there were none. I was a little disappointed looking at the barren tree which was minimally decorated this year. But I knew that my sock wouldn’t be empty. I was sure that no matter what happens…Santa would never disappoint me.
I opened my big red sock which was placed on a pillar in the verandah…it wasn’t empty. The sock contained another note. This one was a little bigger than the earlier one I had read on the table but the handwriting was the same. I started reading it.
Rahul
You are now a big boy. I think it is time to tell you that Santa Clause does not exist. Every year your father and I used to buy you gifts and then place them in your sock after you fell asleep. I am sorry for killing your Christmas spirit son but I think it is high time that you realize that Christmas is not about the gifts…it is about the joy and happiness. There are many kids out there who don’t even have good clothes to wear…so this Christmas I want you to spread joy and bring some happiness in their lives. It is now time for you to be their Santa. I would really like it if you gifted some of your old toys to such children. Think about it and when I come back I hope you have enough toys to donate.
Merry Christmas Son
Mom
Think??? She wanted me to think about it…how the heck could I think about it? Firstly she had just told me that a fat bearded man in red overalls who had been my major source of happiness on this very day since times immemorial did not exist. Dealing with that was tough…but still I could manage it. But after that she wanted me to donate my toys to some random kids I didn’t even know…there she had just crossed the line. I had not received a single present this Christmas and she wanted me to give away stuff I already had. I would never do such a thing. This time I decided that I was going to hold my ground and not budge under pressure. If I wasn’t getting anything…I was certainly not giving away anything. I fixed myself a quick meal which consisted of a banana and a bowl of cornflakes and walked out into the verandah again where I sat next to the Christmas tree and ate my meal looking at view outside.
From a far corner I could hear carols being played. I have always loved Christmas carols. They are so full of energy and the very sound of them instills a feeling joy within you. I finished up my food and ran towards the gate. A cortege of kids was passing right outside my house and they seemed to be heading towards that corner where the carols were being played. I could not control my urge and I stepped out and joined the procession.
The group entered a supermarket. I had been here a lot of times with my mom when we went grocery shopping…today the shop looked completely different. It was decorated with a lot of lights, ribbons, stars…there were people posing as Santa. The ambience of that place brought the spirit of Christmas back in me.
I was strolling through the alleys of the stores looking at all the fancy items that were up for sale. Only god must have known then how badly I wanted everything that was there. I finally reached a spot where I stopped. The item on the shelf caught my attention almost instantly. It was a Cadbury Diary Milk Crackle…my favorite chocolate of all time. I just couldn’t get my eyes of it. I kept looking at it and it kept looking back at me. ‘Take me…you know I am yummy’ it seemed to say. I wanted it so bad. I looked around to see if anyone was looking at me. There was an evil streak which overtook me at that moment. After making sure that I wasn’t drawing any attention I picked up one chocolate and stuffed it down my pocket. If I can sneak out one, I could definitely sneak out another is what I thought and so after careful surveillance I lifted another one and stuffed it in my other pocket. I casually moved towards the exit and as soon as I was out of the store I dashed back home. I felt triumphant…I welcomed this victory in my otherwise drab Christmas.
I wanted to stuff my mouth with both the chocolates but I remember that mom had said that I should spread some joy this Christmas. So I waited for her to come back home…she had had some really tough times up late and I wanted her to have one of the chocolates. Mom came back home around one o clock and I was waiting for her in the living room. As soon as she entered the living room I went up to her with both the chocolates in my hand. I offered her one.
‘Merry Christmas Mom.’ I said.
She took the bar from my hand and looked at me. ‘Where did you get these from Rahul?’ She asked.
And that is when it hit me that I had shop-lifted these chocolates and I was a thief. But then obviously I did not want her to know that…so I resorted to something I had never done before…I lied. ‘Dad had come outside…he gave them to me.’ I said.
‘Oh…Dad gave them to you; you say.’ I was pretty convinced that she had brought the lie but then out of nowhere…SLAP…SLAP…SLAP. Three slaps came thundering down on my cheek. ‘You liar…your Dad was with me this whole afternoon. Tell me…where did you get them from? Is this what I have taught you all your life…to lie to me? Haven’t I always told you never to lie…tell me where you got them from.’ Mom was raging…I had no other option but to tell her the truth.
‘I picked them up from the super market.’ I said…my head was hung low and a few tears crept up into my eyes. ‘I’m so…’ I was going to say that I was sorry but before that she started punching me on my back and swinging slaps at me.
‘You liar…you thief…I can’t believe I have given birth to you…you shameless creature. God knows who has taught you all this because it sure isn’t me. I feel ashamed of calling you my son…all my teachings have come down to this…get out of my sight.’ Her slaps did hurt but her words hurt even more.
‘Mom…I’m sorry…I’m sorry Mom.’ I said…now I was really crying my eyes out.
‘Go to your room and don’t talk to me today…and you are not getting any food.’ She said and walked off.
I returned to my room with teary eyes and two packed stolen chocolates. A strong sense of guilt overtook me. It was a feeling I had never felt before. The words of my mother were still ringing in my ears. My left cheek had gone all red and hot. I felt horrible. All my life my mother had brought me up with strong morals like honesty and being truthful…liar, thief and all those other words she used poked my soul just the way the devil pokes a man in hell. I wanted her to feel proud of me again. I wanted her to love me again…and for that I could give away anything. I took a piece of paper and wrote a note addressed to her.
Mom
I am sorry. I was just very upset that I did not get anything this Christmas and that is why I did such a thing. I will never do this again…I promise. I am really sorry. I am giving my favorite teddy bear and these chocolates to you so you can give it to the poor kids. I don’t want any of this…I just want you…and Dad.
I love you.
I took the note, the teddy bear and the chocolates to her room and kept it on her bed. She took a look at all of it, read the note and then looked at me.
‘The food is in the fridge. Go eat something’ is all she said. I knew she did not forgive me completely then but her anger did cool down.
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That was more than twelve years ago but I still remember that day very distinctly. It was the day when I let my Mom down…but moreover it was the day when I first lied.